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Filtering by Category: Adolescent Therapy

What is The Daring Way™?

Vanessa Flores

As Certified Daring Way™ Facilitators, my colleague Sarah Jones and I host a variety of different groups and workshops in Austin, TX based on The Daring Way™ curriculum written by Dr. Brené Brown. For people who don't know Brené and her work, they often want to know, "What is the Daring Way™? What does that mean? What would I be doing in one of these workshops?" These are great questions that are important to ask before committing to such a great investment. 

On a high level, The Daring Way™ is a highly experiential methodology based on the research of Dr. Brené Brown. The method was designed for work with individuals, couples, families, work teams, and organizational leaders. It can be facilitated in clinical, educational, and professional settings. During the process we explore topics such as vulnerability, courage, shame, and worthiness. We examine the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that are holding us back and we identify the new choices and practices that will move us toward more authentic and wholehearted living. The primary focus is on developing shame resilience skills and developing daily practices that transform the way we live, love, parent, and lead. 

What does that mean you ask? As a doctoral student, Brené decided to devote her research to defining what 'Wholehearted Living' is. She was looking for men and women living and loving with their whole hearts despite the risks and uncertainty. Brené wanted to know what they had in common. What were their main concerns, and what were the patterns and themes that defined their Wholeheartedness?

Using the grounded theory methodology developed by Barney Glaser and Anselm Strauss, Dr. Brown's main goal of her research was to understand the participants' "main concerns" related to experiencing the topic being examined which was shame, wholeheartedness, vulnerability, etc. Once those main concerns emerged from the data, Brené developed a theory that explains how the participants continually resolve these concerns in their daily lives.

As part of her research, Dr. Brown has spent over a decade interviewing men and women and listening to stories that ultimately contributed to the findings within her research. To learn more about the research process and Dr. Brown's findings, click here

Out of all of this came the creation of The Daring Way curriculum and the Rising Strong curriculum which are taught and facilitated nationwide by Certified Daring Way™ Facilitators in a variety of different formats which can include 3-day workshops, 8-10 week groups, half day workshops, etc. If you want to learn more about the offerings in your area, take a look here

And if you're looking for a 3-day workshop here in Austin, you don't have to look far! Sarah and I will be hosting a 3-day workshop based on The Daring Way™ curriculum the weekend of November 11th-13th.

What will you do? We will go through all 12 lessons in the curriculum together as a group, watch a series of personalized videos with Brené herself and complete a series of hands-on activities in order to dive deeper into each of your stories. The goal is that you have a better understanding of what your shame is, where it comes from, how it impacts how you show up in the world and explore practices to better love yourself and embrace who you are, imperfectly. It will be hard, fun and intense. Brené defines it as the "messy middle" and I couldn't agree more. It's messy and it's so beautiful. We hope you'll join us! Payment plans are available. Sign up here

Wholeheartedly, 

Vanessa 

5 Ways to Raise a Resilient Child

Vanessa Flores

Setbacks are a inevitable part of growing up, but there are ways to ensure your child will have the strength they need to bounce back. When I ask students I work with about what they need from the adults in their lives in order to feel supported in times of struggle, they said: 

  • Someone who cares about me
  • Someone who listens to me

Take a moment and ask yourself, “Would my children say ‘yes’ to those two statements?” Trust is built in the smallest of moments. With children, it is all about small, consistent interactions that add up over time. 

Here is a list of 5 things you might be able to do, starting today, to help your children feel cared for and heard. 

1. Cultivate hope. 

In Brené Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she says that hope happens when

  • We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go)
  • We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes (I know how to get there, I'm persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try again). 
  • We believe in ourselves (I can do this!). 

A former researcher at the University of Kansas, Lawrence, C.R. Snyder goes on to say that children need relationships that are characterized by boundaries, consistency and support. The culture we live in today makes our children believe that things should be fun, fast and easy which is inconsistent with hopeful thinking. Brené says that we can help our children develop a hopeful mind-set when we help them understand that some worthy endeavors will be difficult and time consuming and not enjoyable at all. 

When we allow our children to fail and make mistakes without judgement, we build trust and make room for forgiveness of ourselves and each other. 

2. Make room for the "yucky stuff."

Sitting in pain with our child can sometimes be harder than feeling it. More often than not, our gut reaction is to want to fix it. We tell them to suck it up, don't cry and move on. "You'll get through it. We've all been there. It's a part of being a teenager." We'd rather push the feelings aside than sit in those dark moments with them. 

When we make room for the yucky stuff, connection happens. We teach our children that vulnerability is hard but it's okay. We teach them that we can talk about our feelings in a way that doesn't make us feel as though we're "weak". It is in those moments that they begin to hold the belief that they can do something that will help them to manage their feelings and cope. These are the moments that teach them about common humanity which is that you are in it together and even when the road gets bumpy and it seems like there's more dark than light, you are willing to ride the wave with them. 

3. Be their P.I.C. 

How many of you have a P.I.C.? Or shall I say, a Partner In Crime? Someone you can tell all your secrets to without a disclaimer. What about that person who will hold your stories sacred and never tell another soul? Now I know that there is a fine line between being your children's best friend and their parent. But, I do think it's possible to have the best of both worlds. 

Being your child's partner in crime means to stay connected. Here are some simple ways you can do that: 

  • Stop saying "I'm busy." 
  • Put down the technology! 
  • Make eye contact. 
  • Listen. 
  • Smile. 
  • Make time to do nothing. 
  • Take time to play with them. 
  • Give hugs. 

If you've ever asked yourself, "Why don't they just tell me what they're feeling?" Try getting connected first! 

4. Practice self-compassion 

Self-Compassion is the practice of talking to ourselves the way we would talk to someone we love. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, researcher and professor at the University of Texas at Austin, self-compassion has three elements: 

  1. Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. 
  2. Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience - something we all go through rather than something that happens to "me" alone. 
  3. Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not "over-identify" with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity. 

Bottom line is that if we can practice loving ourselves, our children will follow. When we can learn to praise them in the good and bad moments, they will learn to be more kind to themselves the next time they make a mistake. So the next time your child comes to you and says, "I made a mistake, I accidentally said something about my teacher that wasn't very nice and she found out." Do you say, "What? Are you kidding me? That's unacceptable!" or do you say, "I've done something similar before--mistakes happen. You can apologize and make amends."   

5. Say "YES" more often 

In the Year of Yes, written by Shonda Rhimes, she shares a story about the moment she started saying yes to everything including her children. She describes a moment where she was getting ready to walk out the door in an elegant designer gown to some fancy event she had said yes to when her daughter runs up and says, "MAMA!! Wanna play?" Shonda says in her book that she felt like time froze. She knew she was late already but she immediately thought to herself, "If I'm not careful, she's going to see the back of my head heading out the door more than she'll see my face." In that moment she kicked off those painful heels, dropped her knees to the hardwood floor and said YES to play. 

If we don't make the time, they'll be gone before we know it. Just do it.

Say YES. I dare you! 

Wholeheartedly, 

Vanessa